It all started with a dream. My subconscious was screaming to me, I wasn’t loving myself enough. And, this sparked a journey. A journey to self love. All my life, I learned to suppress my desires, wishes and even my childhood. I had to take care of a Mom who was very much a child herself. I grew up with a void. I ended up overcompensating to feel accepted. Being in abusive relationships. Until one day, that dream screamed at me. And so, it begun. This journey to fulfill everything I always wanted to do.
I told my sister to be my pal. We wrote everything we wanted to try. And, we would fulfill it.
I always wanted to learn Kathak. I have been bellydancing for 8 years. I love bellydance. But, I felt I could do more. My hands weren’t very graceful. I never had a real mentor to motivate me. So, I decided once and for all to learn it.
It began a beautiful relationship with a very beautiful teacher. By the time I went to her, I was a broken woman. My self esteem was rock bottom. I had an injury, a broken relationship and lots of fear. Of course, she doesn’t know any of this. I would scold myself each time I screwed up. She looked at me and asked me why? Every time I would get nervous, she would stop the lesson and talk to me. So to loosen me up. I started to learn better when I was less nervous. This was one very emotionally intelligent lady. I know zilch about Kathak. I have seen it in movies. But, I decided to love this artform more because of her. A true teacher inspires. And for this lady, I would practice at home. I started to see beauty in Kathak. Even though, it has only been two lessons.
In Kathak, we use the feet a lot. It uses a lot of stamping. Each time I stamped my feet, I felt grounded. I felt like I belong to this world. This is my footprint! This is me! I deserve to be here. I deserve a place for myself. I deserve to love myself and be loved. I felt present for once.
If we want to be good at something, sometimes we have to look out. I learn the beauty of hand movements in Kathak. Something, I could never do in belly dance. I was mostly self taught. It really pays to have a teacher to inspire you. Someone who emotionally understands you.
I always wanted to learn an indian artform. So this is it. I’m doing it. I’m loving myself!
Life is about challenges. Pushing boundaries. Fear stagnates us. So, I started doing daring things I dream of.
Our journey to self love begins with a boat. I love water. I decided to teach myself how to Kayak. Rowing the boat with my sister taught me a few things. We almost hit the rocks. The tide got really high. My sister started panicking. I was panicking inside. But, i decided to be calm. Just like I wanted the waters to be. Because, If i were to panic like her, our boat would capsize. I am not a very calm person by nature. But I taught myself to be calm. Especially during danger. Panicking solves nothing. But being calm, helps one think rationally. I calmly told her to relax and rowed away from the rocks. We were safe.
Water is an interesting element. It is clear. Yet, we don’t know what lurks underneath. It is very much akin to life. We can choose to be afraid and remain at the shore. Or brave the waters and learn new things. This means a lot to me because I am at that point in my life.
And the best thing about all of this…
I started to see a friend in my sister.
I am going to keep doing all the things in my list. Why wait for retirement? Life begins now. This very moment. For once, I am going to live life for myself. Because, I deserve to be here. This is my footprint!