I’ve always searched for answers in my dreams. In my family, we have dreams that come true. I remembered stumbling upon a dream interpretation book that belonged to my Dad. I was about 10 then. But I always had a fascination over these other worlds. As I grew older, I read certain cultures take dreams seriously. The Red Indians for an example, believe that dreams hold certain meanings to our lives. In psychology, there is Jung who came up with dream symbolism.
Earlier this year, I had several recurring dreams that forewarned me about the decisions in my life. I had a whole week of dreams surrounding death. I thought someone in my family was going to die. But, death usually means end of a cycle. It means different things to different people. You can read more about that in Carl Jung’s books. But for me it was the end of a relationship that was way past its expiry date. A 3 year affair ended shortly after that. My mind was preparing me for that and telling me it’s time to move on.
But this relationship or connection had problems from the beginning. And throughout the years, I would see dreams surrounding the themes of abandonment. I slowly began to pay close attention to the repeated themes in my dreams. The dreams were about me being put in a death sentence. Everytime, the person leaves me to die. Strangely, these dreams occurred whenever I was happy with this connection. It was as if my subconscious didn’t trust this person.
Eventually, I moved on. Believing the scars of my life didn’t affect me. I don’t come from a happy home. Over time, I learnt to hide my emotions and pretend they never existed. I would substitute the need for love I couldn’t get from home by overcompensating in relationships. It was a viscous cycle.
One day, I had another dream. I was looking at myself in the mirror. My friend and an old friend of my mother’s was sitting beside me. I opened my mouth and found teeth missing from the bottom row of my mouth. The funny part was, I was shocked to see the damage in my mouth. I tell my friends I brush with a vegan toothpaste and I don’t understand why this happened. They then tell me to take care of myself and proceed to teach me how to.
I wake up and quickly did a research. The missing teeth usually indicates a lack of self love. My subconscious was screaming at me all these years to love myself. I’ve neglected myself so much that I don’t even realize the damage I’ve caused to myself.
That was when I began to pause everything in my life and search for some answers. I began to read self-help books. I realize how much I lacked boundaries and how I let people I love step all over me. I decided to break a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men and broke yet another connection that was brewing. I was in no position to know what I want. Whatever I want now is possibly not even good for me even if I think at the moment it is.
I took a break and decided for the first time in my life to fall madly in love with myself. Because if i repair all those scars, I’ll be emotionally available myself to truly love another.
Even as I type now, I’m cleansing myself. And just yesterday, I saw another dream. This time I was showering at a public bathroom. I was disgusted to find the toilet seat dirty. I took the responsibility to clean it.
That dream meant I’m taking control of my life. Cleaning all that negativity. I’m becoming a better person.
Dreams hold the key to our inner secrets. All our lives we are obsessed about knowing others and not ourselves. Maybe we should all take a moment to pay attention to ourselves. To fall deeply in love with ourselves. To see what our subconscious is trying to tell us. Because the subconscious is our friend and it knows what is good for us.