I am just here to write what i feel. I am upset. Very upset. My brother’s death is really not easy on me. I look at the green string on my hand. I feel as if he’s holding me. Th relationship betwen him and me was very strong. I have many many regrets with his death. Too many. Its not as if i wasnt given a chance. I was. But its my fault that i cant differenciate between a premonition and an ordinary dream. I rather believe what my culture said about such dreams. If you dream a person is dead, he will lead a very long life. But all that i can say is…i was very wrong.
Not for people like me. Lalita and i were discussing one day. How nice will it be if we had a filter to see what a premonition is and what a dream is. If only..
I wish i was given a chance. Just another chance…like that day i woke up and realised it was just a dream. I dont know if i should hate my dad for making me think my bro was not sincere. He was very sincere. He was genuinely sick. He needed help. I am young. What can i do in the midst of adults. He is gone. And i feel very very upset that he doesnt even know what my dad thought of him.
Its been 5 years. He doesnt know how tall i am. How i look now. He wanted to see us so bad. What happened is very unfortunate. I feel guilty.
The only link i have is his mother. But i feel frightened to call her up. Its so many memories. I feel scared. But i have to. And i will. Send her whatever i can. Go and see her. Feel the empty spot. But i dont know whether i am strong enough to go back to that place.
Kerala was heaven to me. It was like really heaven. I have everyone there. Not like this empty graveyard like Singapore. But now, to think Anasikka is not there. I dont feel like going there. To face the reality that he isnt alive anymore. I rather stay here and imagine he is alive.
But i haf to go to take care of his mom. I am sure he must have thought about it at the time of his death. I know God tests us for a reason. I need time yo pick up myself. To understand everything. To understand death.
This world is temperory. Look around us. Everything perishes. Everyone disappears. Where do they go? Is there another astral plane where dead people belong. Can they see us. What do they do till the day of judgement. I know there are spirits. Jinns.
Then we would go somewhere. Hell or heaven? Maybe heaven is not what we imagine one Earth. Heaven is not this bridge up in the sky with a rainbow. Maybe heaven is not a place where we can get all the rich palaces we want, or money. Maybe heaven is where we all reach a higher status. Where we dont desire for money sex or carnal stupid stuff. Since there is no greed, we are all happy. Is that heaven? Is that really what it is. We all would be there. And all the bad people will suffer in hell until they realise the true heaven is to let go of ur disgusting desires.
Lets face it, Hell is earth. Look at us. Splurging money on unnecessary things when we know there are people dying and suffering around us. Why dont we share? Its something small. We dont haf to give huge sums of money. Just a little. Everyone puts a little. Why dont people think the same way. Why are some of us selfish?
We screw up and manipulate religions that were suppose to uphold humanity. We personalise it to terrorize or do things our way. Why? You dont even live forever? You are gonna die and all your hardearned crap will be left there?
I know there is a place. Which is permenant. It may sound dumb at these times to believe in God. You know what? I dont care. If you believe you can be selfish…i can believe i can believe in whatever i want. Since everyone on this earth is not the same. I am just the way i am.
I have decided to live a life different from others. Thats florian and my dream. We will do it. This post is emo. Its only a place where i can vomit what i feel…