Stepping into the role of my brother Anas..

It always feels good to have an older brother protecting you and loving you. Maybe i had been motherly to everyone, but Anas is the only one i had been a child to. I am very much shaken by everything still. Hoping in my heart to avoid Kerala, so that i wont have to wake u to the reality he isnt there.

Anasikka had alot of dreams. Alot. Especially to live a normal life and make his mother happy. Maybe even get married. He used to love everyone alot. Maybe its no point brooding over the fact he is gone. He never belonged to this world to start with it. Nobody belongs to this world.

Maybe i was too naive to understand that he too had dreams like all young people. I cant help crying when i look at his videos, he had everything a young guy needed. Good looks, sense of humour but not a healthy heart. I was explaning to my dad that it wasnt his fault that his family wasnt as well off as the others. They could have saved him if not for his stupid father’s side. He was born with a hole in the heart. And the Aunt hid the issue from the family for whatever reason!! When he was an adult, he fainted once and the doctor told him this problem. He hid it for some time from his own family. Maybe cos he didnt want to be a burden to everyone.

And now after 5 years of suffering he is gone. Maybe he is released from his suffering. But i lost a brother. And he brought all the happiness with him. Now, i have to do something. Maybe i could never fulfill what Anas wants, or he isnt there to see it. Its very strange he told me my mother, “When we have wealth, i wouldnt be able to enjoy it.”

I guess i have to go there and take care of all my little cousins. They arent small anymore as i remmeber them 5 years ago. And his mother will be like my mother from now on. I have that gratitude she brought a nice playmate for me for atleast for a few years.

Its very hard to juggle my studies with a heavy heart. And my eyes are always puffed up. I look like i had a bad night’s sleep. Its good i have the support of my T1B2 children. I am trying not to think about what happened. The long hours at school and the long journey is really killing me. But i have to go through this test from God. Sometimes strangely it would be better i leave the world soon, cos i find alot of people who sincerely loved me over the other side. I am not the sort that commit sucides, no one needs to worry of that. I have some duties in this world, after ive finished with them, i know deep down inside i would have to go…

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