I love you Anas

I didnt know i loved you this much till today. I love you so much that i cant hate you for leaving me all alone. What i have left of you is the green string you tied on my hand, and videos of you. Looking at those videos, tell me how much i must have loved you. Half of the time, in fact almost all the time it was focused on you.

I cant understand that your illness would be fatal. I have really nothing much left there to see. I feel lonely. I have lost my play mate, my companion, my good friend. You took away the happiness with you. I remmeber waiting for you to come back home. And i would run to you and start teasing you.

I remmebred the only fight we had when i was about 8. I cant remmeber the fight, but i knew you were angry and lying in bed and i would say. “i am sorry anasikka”.

I dont know whether its a premonition, its like i became very attached to you espcially in the last trip. All the tapes were focused on you as if somehow i knew i had to collect your image as much as i could.

Sometimes i hear your voice. And i still remmeber how upset i was when you shaved off your beard and moustache when i was leaving. I liked that the most about you.

Maybe you didnt know you will die. Or maybe you knew. Sometimes, i wish you actually know that i love you alot. In fact, mommy is stronger than i am. But i am crying every minute. It would have been good if it had been a long nightmare. I am still wishing to wake up from it.

You didnt see how much we have grown. Or even what we look like now. How i wish i knew that would be the last time i would be seeing you. But, i think no one can get enough of you, your jokes or the way you tease.

Sometimes, i dont want to come back to kerala. I dont want to go back to a reality where you dont exist.

I had a dream a year back. I saw myself visiting your grave after you died. I woke up with so much relief. And indians usually say if you see someone as dead, that person will live very long. But that’s crap isnt it. I guess i cant dismiss my dreams as just dreams. It could be another premontion.

I have one responsibility left Anasikka. I have to take care of your mom. I know you had many dreams. It took me years to understand that you were just like any other young person. But what are the dreams of this world? Everything is temperory. Atleast 4 the kids’ sake i have to go there. I realised lately i have some of your characteristics. Sticking out ma tongue seems to be one. Or maybe unconsciously i am being like you.

We could have lots of fun right. Adich polikaam ayirunnu. I dont think anyone can replace you esp the way you sing the shaggy’s songs. Or the way you look at the mirror

I can remember the things you tell me

Edi Naari Kulicho?

Your fav nickname for everyone – Thendi.

Listening to my dad, i misunderstood your family alot. But now nothing can reverse time back, i am very sorry. But i will take care of Pasia Mummy. She’s the one who gave birth to my lovely companion 🙂

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