“See what no one else sees. See what everyone else chooses not to see, out of fear, conformity, laziness. See the whole world anew each day!”
This post is about another dream I had. I began recording dreams to find out what my subconscious is thinking. I have made many changes to my life lately. I had always been a yin person. I reflect and think a lot. I began to realize i had to put more yang into my life. I use dreams to find out what my inner mind is up to. I believe our dreams hold clues to our fears, wishes and of course dreams.
In this dream, I am in a rundown building. I see myself surrounded by students. It feels like a music school. But the entire school is very grey, full of concrete. I don’t know how old I am. But I was late for band practice. I see the students playing violins. I feel an immense pressure to get my musical instrument. But i already had an idea what I wanted in my dream. I walk to this blocked off area. It is like a short wall. I try to lean towards to pick this electric black guitar. Interestingly, this guitar was on some treadmill. So it keeps slipping away from my grasp. On the other side is a small hole. The guitar could easily slip out of my reach and fall inside that hole. I was determined in this dream and didn’t care if i missed the band practice. The students didn’t look too happy anyway. They look like they were being forced to practice.
I manage to grab the guitar. I remember feeling so happy. I take my own sweet time to wipe off the dust. It was covered in it. The guitar was slender, sleek and beautiful. I was glad I worked hard for it. I was thinking to myself, underneath all that dust this was worth it. I proudly walk with that guitar.
I woke up and googled the symbols. There are two interpretations. The dusty guitar could symbolize a certain aspect of myself that I forgot. By wiping off that dust, I am cleaning it off its negativity. Guitar could also mean passion, creativity and energy. An electric guitar is known to be loud and showy. Possibly, this is an aspect of me I had forgotten. By cleaning it, I am bringing it back into my life. Interestingly, I have been doing activities I had shelved aside. There were so many things I wanted to do. But after a terrible breakup, I finally got the space, time and courage to pursue everything I always wanted to do. I do not care about consequences. I just go out and do them. Being late for the band practice could symbolize how I feel about the whole thing. Society has a way of setting a timeline to everything. I might be feeling I am not in par with society. But I do not care. I know what I want. And, I am determined to get it.
The guitar interestingly has another symbolism. It means love and passion. It could be a romantic side or interest I have shelved aside. Wiping off the dust could mean cleaning off the negativity or the act of pursuing.
Whatever the interpretation is. I was happy getting that guitar. I am on the right track. This feels right at the moment. Because I want to live life to the fullest until I am breathing.
I am a big fan of Renee’s articles on the Feminine Woman. I came across an article about people pleasing. Do check out the link below
This is what I have been practicing for the past month. The art of saying, “I don’t think so.” I did the little exercise on that article and had to do a little self reflection. All our lives we have been drilled to believe that if we don’t please someone, we might end up losing them. So we learn to be the “Yes” man or woman. But interestingly, each time we go out of the way to please someone. We end up with the opposite result. By pleasing them, we are hoping they would return us the favor or stay with us. Interestingly, neither happens. Take a moment to remember a decision you made where you had to go out of the way for someone. Especially, at your expense. How did you feel? Did the person last?
Now, remember the times you said No to something you didn’t want? How did you feel? Did you lose the person?
Interestingly, we feel more empowered. Stronger. In control. Worshipping our inner bitch is important. At the end of the day, when you please yourself – you save money, time and a potential headache.
Every decision we make, we must reflect if we are pleasing someone or we are doing it out of our own accord. If a friend, calls you out to go for a movie. Are you going to please your friend out of fear of losing her? Or are you going because you want to watch the movie as well? If your reason is the first, you are probably going to lose the person any way. If you learn to serve yourself, you can serve others. If not you end up being an empty bottle. Nothing can fill that void. Nobody wants to be around a void.
Personally, I feel every child should learn the word No before they can even say Mama.
It all started with a dream. My subconscious was screaming to me, I wasn’t loving myself enough. And, this sparked a journey. A journey to self love. All my life, I learned to suppress my desires, wishes and even my childhood. I had to take care of a Mom who was very much a child herself. I grew up with a void. I ended up overcompensating to feel accepted. Being in abusive relationships. Until one day, that dream screamed at me. And so, it begun. This journey to fulfill everything I always wanted to do.
I told my sister to be my pal. We wrote everything we wanted to try. And, we would fulfill it.
I always wanted to learn Kathak. I have been bellydancing for 8 years. I love bellydance. But, I felt I could do more. My hands weren’t very graceful. I never had a real mentor to motivate me. So, I decided once and for all to learn it.
It began a beautiful relationship with a very beautiful teacher. By the time I went to her, I was a broken woman. My self esteem was rock bottom. I had an injury, a broken relationship and lots of fear. Of course, she doesn’t know any of this. I would scold myself each time I screwed up. She looked at me and asked me why? Every time I would get nervous, she would stop the lesson and talk to me. So to loosen me up. I started to learn better when I was less nervous. This was one very emotionally intelligent lady. I know zilch about Kathak. I have seen it in movies. But, I decided to love this artform more because of her. A true teacher inspires. And for this lady, I would practice at home. I started to see beauty in Kathak. Even though, it has only been two lessons.
In Kathak, we use the feet a lot. It uses a lot of stamping. Each time I stamped my feet, I felt grounded. I felt like I belong to this world. This is my footprint! This is me! I deserve to be here. I deserve a place for myself. I deserve to love myself and be loved. I felt present for once.
If we want to be good at something, sometimes we have to look out. I learn the beauty of hand movements in Kathak. Something, I could never do in belly dance. I was mostly self taught. It really pays to have a teacher to inspire you. Someone who emotionally understands you.
I always wanted to learn an indian artform. So this is it. I’m doing it. I’m loving myself!
Life is about challenges. Pushing boundaries. Fear stagnates us. So, I started doing daring things I dream of.
Our journey to self love begins with a boat. I love water. I decided to teach myself how to Kayak. Rowing the boat with my sister taught me a few things. We almost hit the rocks. The tide got really high. My sister started panicking. I was panicking inside. But, i decided to be calm. Just like I wanted the waters to be. Because, If i were to panic like her, our boat would capsize. I am not a very calm person by nature. But I taught myself to be calm. Especially during danger. Panicking solves nothing. But being calm, helps one think rationally. I calmly told her to relax and rowed away from the rocks. We were safe.
Water is an interesting element. It is clear. Yet, we don’t know what lurks underneath. It is very much akin to life. We can choose to be afraid and remain at the shore. Or brave the waters and learn new things. This means a lot to me because I am at that point in my life.
And the best thing about all of this…
I started to see a friend in my sister.
I am going to keep doing all the things in my list. Why wait for retirement? Life begins now. This very moment. For once, I am going to live life for myself. Because, I deserve to be here. This is my footprint!
Cosmetic companies and bad boyfriends are pretty much the same. They lower your self esteem. Convince you need them. And, make you pay for it. Today, something interesting happened. I wanted a vegan daily cleanser for my face. I am a big fan of Himalayas products because they don’t test on animals. I knew very well what I wanted before I got to the shop. A sales lady hijacks me. She tells me bluntly “No offense. You have terrible skin. You should try this product instead.”
She lures me to another counter and promotes this other product which is priced double. Her sales pitch begins. I decide to listen to her anyway despite the fact she just cut my self esteem into half. I have a habit of making friendly conversations with sales people. I found she is from Kerala as well. I continue talking to her. She then nails her pitch with these fatal words, “My daughter uses it. I can guarantee you it works!”.
I find myself in a dilemma where lots of others find themselves. If I were to reject her, what would she think of me?
Recently, I read this book. “How to get in touch with your inner bitch.” We often find ourselves saying yes to things we barely want. Buying things we barely need. Saying yes to a guy we would never date. Saying yes to a bad job offer. Saying yes to an obnoxious colleague. Or that bad boyfriend.
We don’t want to make them feel bad. My, my what would they think? Let’s play nice instead. And so, we find ourselves sitting on a mountain of shopping bags, being in a relationship with a guy we have no spark with, falling asleep at our jobs, being a slave to that obnoxious colleague, and promoting that boyfriend to a husband who in turn is going to end up being an ex husband with an axe.
How do we feel inside? Just awesome isn’t it? Being nice is soooo nice. Right!
All this could simply solved with one word. NO. Or like what this lovely book taught me. “I don’t think so.” If only we say no. We wouldn’t have that ex husband chopping at our door at 1 AM. Think about it!
I know I have terrible skin. But to trust a complete stranger who tore my self esteem into half and buy a doubly priced product. I don’t think so. Besides, shouldn’t I know what’s good for my face? Cosmetic companies do that a lot. They convince you that you aren’t good enough. Then, tell you their product will make you good. And, we buy that crap. We buy that crap from a total stranger who just labeled us as not good enough. What’s worse? We trust them. That’s not nice. So why should we play nice?
In the end, I listened to her sales pitch patiently. I completely understand she was just trying to sell me something. I looked at her and told her, “Nah. I know what I want. I rather buy the product I came for. Thank you.”
We still had a friendly conversation after that. It didn’t change anything. She didn’t like me any lesser. The foundation of our friendship built 5 minutes ago was still standing strong.
There is an inner bitch in every one of us. Call it a gut feeling. When you are torn between two roads, listen to your inner bitch. Cause, she is always right. It is better to listen to her than say yes and kick yourself for the rest of eternity. It’s not worth it. By the way, do that to cosmetic companies. By you saying no to their crap, you are saying no to their claim of you being not good enough. In other words, you are good enough to know what’s good enough for you.
If you want to practice saying no, go to a sales counter. By the end of the aisle, you’ll be pretty damn good at it and you won’t have to end up with that ex with an axe!
Feeling hurt by someone else might not necessarily mean that you felt real feelings towards that person. i think we need to stop measuring our love by how much hurt we feel.
My dance has been with me through thick and thin. Adding a new vocabulary of dance movements to my body.